Sep. 12th, 2017

ellieet: (Default)
 So, I'm thinking about the merits of staying in Wales vs. the merits of going home.

If I stay in Wales, I've got a good base set up, a familiarity with the city and I have friends - however, there's the case of finding a new job that may not necessarily be here, plus the fact that I really don't want to stay here long-term. There's also the fact that no matter how great it is being here, I'm having a lot of trouble shaking off my OCD and anxiety and have done for a long time. I've been having trouble coping and there's been a lot of time spent feeling depressed. I know there's the good stuff as well, the going out and the writing events and workshops but I have an anxiety association with this city as a result of the thoughts and feelings I've suffered during my downtime, that feeling of suffocation and being hemmed in and just generally not having a great quality of life at times; in fact, it's been rather limited. I'm tired of not having a proper home, for example and just living out of one room that's never quite felt like mine, no matter how much I decorate the bare walls with fandom posters. There were some very long, very bad days that bled into everything I love and they've almost set a precedent for the life I live here because it's like I expect to keep having days like that, and can't really stay happy for long. I know that's something I need to sort out and I really do think I need to be honest with myself and consider therapy. But I also hate being so far away from my family for what feels like no good reason, especially as the whole purpose of my being here - a job that I was really keen to do - is ending. I feel left behind if I stay here without it and it's not helped by the fact that so many of my friends from work are moving away. It just feels wrong to stay and I was actually in tears last night with the realisation of how much I want to leave.

If I go home however, it has to be a short-term thing. I know - we've been here before and I was in a bad place when I was living with Dad and Mum. But a lot of that was due to the fact that Mum was so ill and I myself had anxiety that I couldn't talk about. Dad has said I can come home any time I want but it would probably take us full circle again: me living at home with nothing to do. Dad is a lot more tolerant as a whole (sorry, Mum) but I can't do that to him. I want to be at home for a little while - and am hoping to be there Monday after next if all the final clearances are done - but I need to be in job-hunt mode and be ready to leave again. I know that I'm probably craving familiarity and something stable right now but I can't stay at home all my life. I've come so far on my own and that's something to be proud of but I think I need a bit of help as I'm basically just struggling to be happy.

... I just really want to go home. Just for a bit, before I set off on the next adventure.

(Also, my John Watson poster keeps falling off the wall. I think he kinda wants to leave as well).


ellieet: (Default)

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