Sep. 10th, 2017

ellieet: (Sherlock hugging Mrs Hudson)
So that's that. Our final day of work was today - at least, the building was shut down. There's still a couple of weeks of derigging to do but that's all the main stuff done. There was an incredible buzz in the building first thing and everyone was kind of excited and nervous. When it was all over, we all stuck around for a kind of finishing party/speeches and there were a lot of tears - not from me, oddly and I feel bad about that. I hugged a lot of other teary people, though. I got a bit emotional and told my TL how much I would miss her and that she was the best team leader I'd had. Saying goodbye to her is one of the hardest parts of this because I've never met anyone like her; she was kind to me when my Mum died and when I had my massive OCD attack early last year - after that, she was instantly able to recognise when my OCD was kicking off and would ask what she could do to help, which in many cases was usually providing a distraction in the form of a conversation, or a task. She's always supported me and always had my back and I am going to miss her so much; I basically love her to pieces. This evening, she held my hand and told me the things that had bothered me - my Mum's death and my OCD - were things I couldn't help; that I was a hard worker; that I needed to believe in myself and that I shouldn't think I wasn't as good as everyone else. We were all just hugging each other for hours over our colas. Then we went to the pub as usual.

It really is the end of an era for me; for everyone. The life we've known for the past three years is now fading. I can't pretend it's been a smooth ride; the beginning was fabulous and so was the end but the middle has been a mixture of Days; days when I threw myself into work, did well, was chilled and just went home after a great shift and days when I sat at home, depressed, eating crisps, crying a lot, trying to write and failing, unable to relax and waiting to go back into work. I've often been physically exhausted and highly anxious; trying to be happy and not quite getting there. It sounds sad but the job has been my life here; it was my main reason for moving here and there's not been a great deal outside it, save for my writing group. I've been at a bit of a loose end in this city and I think I kind of want to leave, now? I don't really want to stay. Maybe I could if the right job came along - and it would be hard, starting over again somewhere else. But I think, what I want to do first and foremost, more than anything else, is to just have a break; to go home and spend some time with my Dad.

In any case, I've got a couple of days to myself now to figure things through. I think I'm just going to stay awake for a bit - much to my shame, I didn't realise Danger Mouse Series 2 had started and I have a couple of episodes to catch up on that I've missed. I think I'd like to make a hot chocolate and curl up a while.

So, yep. Welcome to Redundancy, basically. Here's hoping it won't last long.

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ellieet

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