ellieet: (Sherlock's book)
I'm slowly feeling much more confident as the day goes on. I still have my worries about things, but I'm coming more to terms with myself, coming to accept what I am and what I'm not. It's a lovely feeling. My beliefs are still strong, and important to me, but it's like they're becoming less definitive, and merely more shaping. A reminder I should stick to my moral compass, but I shouldn't get my knickers in a twist about the little issues, about my imagination - simply because I know for certain, I feel, that if something is wrong, or feels wrong to me at least, well, I just won't do it. I'm still a little unsure, but my writing and my ideas are really helping, an I don't think I'm supposed to be sitting around worrying about it.

I hit a brick-wall with "Going Anywhere" earlier today and then resolved the plot-issue this evening, so I'm happy. I'm also on a Cumberbatch high; there's something on on BBC 4 in a moment with him in it, so I'm going to stay up and watch.

*sigh* Love that man. Love that beautiful, beautiful man.
ellieet: (The Game is On)
First of all, I am fully aware that the Sherlock/John thing has been causing me much mental anguish OCD-wise the last month, more than it's worth. Unfortunately, my OCD does this to me; makes me question my ideas, and makes me wonder if they're okay.

One thing I am certain about, though. If John ever were to fancy Sherlock, then he would be purely Sherlock-sexual, rather than bisexual. I just can't perceive as fancying anyone other than Sherlock. I think it is easy to read him as very faintly bicurious, though - for some reason, I get a vibe from him regarding that in the pilot. I think that's the main reason why I've been so het up about it. I began going over John's sexuality in detail, and driving myself crazy.

I'm not sure why, exactly. I'm not sure if I shipped them straight away, although I knew there would be some of that going on. I think it's fanon that pulled me into the pairing, but then you could argue it's a similar story with Arthur/Merlin, whose scenes speak for themselves anyway. :D

I know I shouldn't think too much, and I haven't really, before, but going over John's orientation was like pulling the back off a chimney-space and immersing myself in cobwebs. It was too much trouble, but because July's been slow, and my OCD kicked off again at the start of the month, well... And I worry a lot anyway.

But the other thing with me is that I'm a gentle person by romantic nature, so when I'm on the lookout for John/Sherlock, I'm looking for the stuff that makes sense to me; that John and Sherlock would be tentative and a little uncertain and domestic. That doesn't mean I'm not open to different concepts, because who's to say what's wrong and right? I think I thought about this whole thing so much that my mind actually rejected it in the end.

Now, though, I have some new story ideas, and I'd really like another shot at writing John. I know I can't really think about these things; I should just write, and I should write them when I feel like it, and when I think that what they're doing feels right to my own perception. So, I'm just going to wing it, and write it, and see what happens. I can't perceive anything else than what I think.

... The game is on.

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ellieet

September 2017

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