ellieet: (Sherlock hugging Mrs Hudson)
So that's that. Our final day of work was today - at least, the building was shut down. There's still a couple of weeks of derigging to do but that's all the main stuff done. There was an incredible buzz in the building first thing and everyone was kind of excited and nervous. When it was all over, we all stuck around for a kind of finishing party/speeches and there were a lot of tears - not from me, oddly and I feel bad about that. I hugged a lot of other teary people, though. I got a bit emotional and told my TL how much I would miss her and that she was the best team leader I'd had. Saying goodbye to her is one of the hardest parts of this because I've never met anyone like her; she was kind to me when my Mum died and when I had my massive OCD attack early last year - after that, she was instantly able to recognise when my OCD was kicking off and would ask what she could do to help, which in many cases was usually providing a distraction in the form of a conversation, or a task. She's always supported me and always had my back and I am going to miss her so much; I basically love her to pieces. This evening, she held my hand and told me the things that had bothered me - my Mum's death and my OCD - were things I couldn't help; that I was a hard worker; that I needed to believe in myself and that I shouldn't think I wasn't as good as everyone else. We were all just hugging each other for hours over our colas. Then we went to the pub as usual.

It really is the end of an era for me; for everyone. The life we've known for the past three years is now fading. I can't pretend it's been a smooth ride; the beginning was fabulous and so was the end but the middle has been a mixture of Days; days when I threw myself into work, did well, was chilled and just went home after a great shift and days when I sat at home, depressed, eating crisps, crying a lot, trying to write and failing, unable to relax and waiting to go back into work. I've often been physically exhausted and highly anxious; trying to be happy and not quite getting there. It sounds sad but the job has been my life here; it was my main reason for moving here and there's not been a great deal outside it, save for my writing group. I've been at a bit of a loose end in this city and I think I kind of want to leave, now? I don't really want to stay. Maybe I could if the right job came along - and it would be hard, starting over again somewhere else. But I think, what I want to do first and foremost, more than anything else, is to just have a break; to go home and spend some time with my Dad.

In any case, I've got a couple of days to myself now to figure things through. I think I'm just going to stay awake for a bit - much to my shame, I didn't realise Danger Mouse Series 2 had started and I have a couple of episodes to catch up on that I've missed. I think I'd like to make a hot chocolate and curl up a while.

So, yep. Welcome to Redundancy, basically. Here's hoping it won't last long.

OMG.

Aug. 28th, 2017 12:04 pm
ellieet: (Sherlock and John: Christmas cancelle)
 I've ended up having to call in sick today from work as I was up half the night feeling hot and coughy. While I was unable to sleep I decided, on the spur of the moment, to check out the webcomic Check Please after spotting the fandom on Ao3; some of the Sherlock fans have been writing for it.

OH. MY. GOSH.

It's wonderful. I know bugger-all about ice hockey (or any sport) but you don't necessarily have to understand it, because the characters - who are all fucking awesome and none more than darling Bitty - are the crucial point and make everything obvious on an emotional level. There's one comic when they come back to the dressing-room following an important game and there's no dialogue; it's obvious what's happened and it packs a powerful punch.

And Jack and Bitty. JACK AND BITTY.

First, I love how there's no bullshitting and that these guys are a canon same-sex couple; delicious, loving kissing for one thing and Bitty having all sorts of adorable nicknames for Jack, the most common one being 'Honey.' I love how there's no agonising on Jack's side; he realises he wants to be with Bitty, and that is that and their first kiss is so swoonworthy. Sure, they experience many of the problems that same-sex couples do - telling people in the sporting world about the relationship, for example - but it's all so wonderfully done. There's no room for mucking around or wasting time; there's a real sense of 'we're going to get the hell on with it.' And Bitty's character-development; dear God, I came away feeling so humbled and wishing I could feel as confident as him. In fact, I wish I could be more like Bitty full-stop; not giving up easily despite the hurdles, blending his passions of sport and baking together, healthy self-esteem and just being so beautifully himself that he makes another guy with a fuck-ton of personal issues fall head-over-heels in love with him. I have fuck-all self-esteem these days and feel empty. But I want to be like Bitty so bloody much.  

I don't know if I'll write fanfiction for it; I feel I don't 'get' the characters yet and I must admit, I could do with re-reading some of the stuff again to gain a better understanding. Plus, being British, I don't have the first clue about the American school system or even the sport itself.




Also: I went to Evensong last night. I almost didn't but I felt I needed to go, as have had quite a few OCD/depressive moments over the last week. I'm glad I went; it was extremely calming. Then I went home and made a roast, which was great, but screwed up on the gravy - too many granules, which made it too strong. Still; leftovers.
ellieet: (Sherlock and John: Christmas cancelle)
Had a wonderful two days with Dad and J. We went to a posh restaurant in town I'd never had the courage to venture into alone and the food was to DIE for. We hadn't seen each other since last month and it was good to have a reunion. Today, we drove out of town to a National Trust manor where we had high tea and a gorgeous Labrador over at the next table came to say hello to me. We sat by the lake and J and I had a chat. I'm about to start the last two weeks of my job, before my workplace closes and she advised me not to worry and just enjoy it, which is pretty good advice.

The manor itself gave a little tour and information about the place and obviously like many historical buildings it had an emphasis on the world wars. In one room, there was stationary for people to write down their experiences of war and a board to pin it up on. I read a really awesome anecdote about two women in the war, once whom was forbidden to go to the docks by her mother and went anyway to be courted by an American soldier and another woman who went to work in France as a nurse, as that was where all the young men were. There was also an utterly adorable slip, obviously written by a child, stating 'Hello, we are thingcing of you alwis.' It was so sweet.

In other news, I've started working on an original piece of fiction and I think I might have found a way to finish my 2011 fic, Going Anywhere because I feel incomplete. I think I've been starting and working on other fic just for something to do, just to prove to myself that I'm still doing it and that I'm keeping busy; running on neutral without going anywhere. Enough of that, now. I have actually orphaned some of my fanfic - that which felt like dead wood - and I wonder if people have been put off by my doing that, as well as the fact that it's been several years and I still haven't finished Going Anywhere, but am writing other projects that let's face it, really aren't as good and lack the confidence of my early days. I don't think I've inspired confidence in my readers, even though I'm grateful for people's support and kudos. Maybe this is another incentive to start what I finish.

I've also started one big project on Ao3 to drop all my 221b fics into, to give me an excuse to write when I need inspiration and hopefully to help me figure out what works for me. It's making me feel less scattered and more organised; there's no romance though, and it's all hurt/comfort and gen - there's no slash or het or in fact, any shippy romance thus far and I don't know if I'll add any in or not, but anything goes and I'm happy to see where the inspiration takes me. I'm worried that my writing is actually kind of boring; I haven't written slash for years and I can't really write het fic very well. Right now, all I can seem to manage is platonic, hurt/comfort and family. I just feel there are so many bold writers and I'm not very bold at all.

I kind of want to try writing Dirk Gently fic, to celebrate the new series coming out, which I'm really excited about - however, the show is so crazy, I don't think I could do it justice. In any case, between Dirk Gently and Danger Mouse, and Doctor Who's Christmas special, it seems I'm going to be unemployed, but entertained.
ellieet: (Default)
 So there was a job I applied for a fortnight ago and I've heard nothing back. It was one that my current skillset could have covered nicely but I wonder if in hindsight I was too cocky with the application; I spent barely an hour on it - it was just a covering letter and CV but still - and then sent it off, as I wanted it to be gone as soon as possible.

I only have two more months employment - in fact, I'm nipping into work today for a meeting regarding this - and then I have no clue what I'm going to do. I really, really need to pull my socks up; I'm feeling the same kind of anxiety I felt three years ago when I didn't have a job and I feel I've been quite useless. In fact, looking at myself from the outside, I realise I'm rubbish at getting on with things. I've gained new experiences, though and I've learned a lot; this has been quite an adventurous and productive summer (my summer tune is the Criss brothers' 'We Like It.). That's something, I guess; but I'm wondering if I'm really working hard enough, or if I need to try a bit harder to get somewhere. I guess I can only do my best; but time to stop messing about and send out some more job applications. I've been feeling much happier and more confident since I got back from Italy; I'm more engaged with my life and less obsessive-compulsive.

I know it's only been three weeks since I got back but the life I led before I left was pretty miserable, dull and very unhappy. It was an incredibly depressing, watered-down existence; just living in the mess of my room, with a mess in my head and eating far too much. It's like I needed to go away to appreciate what I had. I'm still eating far too much (eek) but I'm eating now not to fill a gap, or in a vain attempt to help myself feel better, but because I want to indulge myself and eat things I enjoy eating. I need to work on it because I'm indulging myself waaaaaaaaaaaay too much in that sense; I had two chocolate muffins and a piece of chocolate cake yesterday!

*

I really want to get a Sherlock vinyl pop figure with the violin, just so I can have a boy-band on my desk with my Twelfth Doctor figure and his guitar, but I can't quite justify the expense. I've been in a really financially healthy place this month, probably for the first time ever, thanks to not using my card while I was in Italy (and food and accommodation being provided), the payment from the teaching, birthday gift vouchers etc. However, after spending a bit of time just buying stuff, I want to slow down a bit. I'm not quite sure what lies ahead and I think I'd like to know I have backups in place if I need them, especially given that my job's ending before Christmas. Still, it was nice to live like a Queen for a week or two and indulge a little. Most people, I think, would have spent their money on clothes; I spent mine on DVDs and takeaway breakfasts. Having said that, I'm feeling rather embarrassed now by the sheer volume of 'stuff' I own and I think it's time to have a clearout - both here and in my room at home - and whack some stuff in charity shops and on Ebay (although preferably Ebay, as at least then I know it's going to someone who wants it and I get money in return).

*

Over the weekend, I was pretty upset about some stuff and I 'shut down' a little at work; it sounds dramatic, but as we were extremely busy, I just went into work-mode. As a result, though, I was rather cold and ill-mannered. I shut down one person's offer to buy me a drink as a congratulations for all the hard work I was doing - which, yeah, I know, is pretty fucking rude of me. There was a lot going on in my head and a lot irritating me and I just wanted to get on with things, so I wasn't in a particularly friendly mood that day.

*

It's meant to be my day off today and I was looking forward to a lie-in; my treacherous body woke me up at 4.30. Now I have to stay awake so I can nip into work for this meeting, rather than do what I often do in these situations and fall asleep only to wake up at midday - which is precisely when the meeting is. Unhelpful, body. Unhelpful.
ellieet: (Sherlock's book)
(First attempt at cross-posting, here we go).

The last two days I have been really anxious and on edge, which is weird because it's been so beautiful and sunny. Today, I got to work and got into a silent state of anxiety very quickly and by the end of the day, my brain had fizzled out. I was able to distract myself and thought maybe I was making too much of a big deal of things but at one point my chest was very tight and uncomfortable. I was very warm by the day's end - my TL put a friendly hand on my arm just before my shift ended and exclaimed at how hot I felt. I think it was partly the heat, partly the anxiety rush. Yesterday, my manager was able to tell in passing that I was very flustered and took me aside later to check I was okay. I've just spent the last 48 hours feeling useless and like a spare part, but I was able to scale it back to a degree and thought happy, creative thoughts instead. I've actually written a fanfiction scene or two and I'm branching out in my poetry; I'm filling my latest notebook with valid contributions, rather than streams of forced rubbish and it feels good. I've been realising that what I've been craving is a sense of purpose and purpose is something I've been without for a long time; nothing to fire me up and get me going. I've been wondering exactly where I fit into the Universe, but - you know. I'm HERE. Isn't that enough? 

I'm not ready for the summer and need a new pair of sandals (of all things!). I went to the park around the corner from me the other day and ended up finishing the seventh Poldark novel, The Angry Tide, which was so gripping I actually found myself exclaiming aloud several times. It's been a while since a book had that kind of effect on me. I'm trying to get on with Emma Donoghue's Room now, but it's hard to go from one genre to the other overnight. Which sounds rather stupid, I know, but whenever I finish a Poldark novel, I want to read the next one immediately and right now, I have zero money to buy the eighth book.

I've also had the nostalgic romp of a lifetime with Red Dwarf, one of the fandoms of my childhood. We've gone from friendly coffee to why don't we have dinner to an impromptu weekend catch-up in one of the hotel rooms to I really miss you, actually, and I miss that cute little thing you do to why did we ever break up and are now at the negotiations stage. (I'm assuming that's how this all works, I've never been in a relationship so IDK). It's been fun and I'm actually kind of disappointed there aren't more episodes for me to watch because I am this close to bringing the entire DVD collection back with me after my next home-visit. I still can't really abide much of Series 7 and 8; the only strong points are the Lister and Rimmer scenes, but I admire the whole cast for, more or less, seeing it to the end of the original run. I've been watching a couple of the new episodes and found myself laughing out loud - the boys have still got it and while I love Chloe Annett, I'm really glad Kochanski is gone.

ellieet: (Sherlock's goggles)
I'm in that state of mind where I just want to run into somebody's arms and stay there and delete information I was too curious over and decided to Google after I read about it in a book.

I know we all have opinions in this world. They're like noses - everybody's got one. But sometimes, it makes me so, so sad. In a way, I guess you could say it makes me feel lucky in my own life, who I've met and who my family is.
ellieet: (Sherlock and John: Christmas cancelle)
Just had an interesting conversation with my brother, who I haven't spoken to for about a week or so. We had a catch-up; he was still at work, I'm having a bit of peace and quiet at home. I told him about my failure to submit a story for this contest and he told me I needed to power through. It got me thinking.

I've failed at finishing so much stuff recently for various contests; ones that I really wanted to enter too and I think it's time I upped my game. The truth is I didn't give myself enough time during the week to finish my story - tending, as I do, to leave these things until the last week or so if there's a distant deadline. So yes, it is all my fault really, because I was so worn out last night I wasn't up to it, simply because I hadn't given myself enough time earlier in the week.

I really want to make something of myself and I feel I need to try harder; give myself more time during the day and get myself back in the game. I do feel a little awful over failing to make this contest; there were three different ones I wanted to go for and I failed to make them all. Trouble is, I've always felt more capable of writing in the evenings. It'll be easier now my niece is gone, but I do need to get myself sorted out.

I think I'll think about this some more over dinner.
ellieet: (Sherlock's book)
I'm feeling rather exposed right now in a number of ways.

It sounds silly, but: my phone is away being repaired, my muse is rather rusty and needs oiling and of course my nan wasn't there today for me to call and tell her everything that had happened at work; tomorrow she'll have been gone a week. I know, I know, I should stop going on about it; it's just this week didn't exactly go to plan and I'm also kind of disappointed in myself for how I've spent my Friday evening, to be perfectly honest. A lot of my familiarities are gone and I need something to ground me. I'm not counting university among them, because I'm glad to have left that behind for now.

I'd really like to start improving myself at work, effective immediately, but of course I have the next week off, courtesy of my manager for the funeral, so that's not happening. I offered to work Monday but she refused, saying it was easier this way.

Maybe I need this time off with my family and I need to forget about work. I guess I'm cautious about forgetting, but I've only just started and everything's still taking shape in my head. My colleague who gave me the talk today seems to want me to have picked things up quicker than I actually have now that I'm three weeks in, telling me that I need to be more responsible in this position and basically can't keep relying on her or the manager. She was especially unimpressed that the manager had come into the shop on her day off on Wednesday morning; although I hadn't asked her to come in, but having been told to ring her if I needed help or had any questions, I was just confused about something to do with pricing that I wanted to sort out over the phone and while I was having trouble grasping it, she just said "See you in five minutes," as she was already in town nearby and the 'coming in' was extremely brief. I apologised to her the next day and she shrugged it off.

I'm like a dog with a bone on this: I just can't seem to let go, not completely. I guess I'm putting everything here because to be brutally honest, I haven't told my parents about today's conversation with my colleague because they've had enough on their plates this afternoon with the funeral - and admittedly, I guess I'm afraid that if and when I do tell them, they'll take the 'Hmmm, well, she's got a point, Ellie,' route and childish as it sounds, I really can't face that; I've already had it drilled into my brain with a sledgehammer. My brother has been working, but I will tell him tomorrow though; he's invited me up to London for lunch, so I'll tell him everything that's been going on work-wise then. My sister-in-law has also been supportive, but I haven't told her what happened today either.

Never, though, have I wished to be able to throw myself into my writing or a book so badly. I might, though, have a gander at my Eric and Ernie DVD, just because Bryan Dick is all sorts of yummy.
ellieet: (Sherlock hugging Mrs Hudson)
When I arrived at work today, my manager told me that we had had a customer complaint regarding my crying on the shop floor yesterday.

Ulp.

My manager was nice as she could be about it; she told me that if I was upset, I could be at home with my family and I didn't have to work today. She added that I was fine on Tuesday, when I was working with her; I think, privately, it's because she's more open and friendly and just easy to talk to whereas yesterday was just a very tension-filled day and my colleague was in such a foul mood for most of it which I had really hated. I told my manager I would stay and apologised for yesterday, promising her it wouldn't happen again; regarding the incident in question, when my godmother had come in, the shop - which is quite small - had been empty and when customers did arrive, my godmother and I had just been chatting and she'd swiftly left so I could get back to work. I had realised later that it was pretty unprofessional, but I guess I wasn't really thinking at the time because there was no-one else around.

*eyeroll* My mistake. I feel I let myself down by not getting through yesterday in check, at any rate, but I can only live and learn. My manager actually took me through a review today and buoyed me up by telling me that while there was room for improvement, she felt I was finding my way around just fine from product to product, praising me for knowing the names of several different types, knowing to look in the catalogue when I didn't and that I was turning up on time and suitably dressed. I spent the rest of the day trying to improve on my approach to customers - my manager also mentioned that I tended to greet people too loudly and startle them and that there had been a complaint about that as well (I know *facepalm*). At any rate, I was pleased when we had a big surge of customers that afternoon, which showed me at any rate that there wasn't any 'bad press' going around town because of me - and one lady even thanked me for being so helpful. :) At least I can try and fix one of the mistakes, anyway.

Regarding the funeral arrangements, my Mum is throwing herself into everything and anything to keep herself occupied and has a real 'will-do' attitude to things at the moment, although she is obviously anxious about it going well, and I have to write a poem for the service. It was easier today because I was able to throw myself into my work more; but now, thinking back over the last twenty-four hours, I wonder if maybe I've just been a rather silly girl.
ellieet: (Simon and Mickey)
The following things happened today: my dad got a migraine, my Mum started to bake a fruitcake and then had to start from scratch because she dropped an eggshell in the mixture and I did some ironing and ate an Aero bar. Aren't we cool?

We're meeting my brother at the airport early early early tomorrow morning. I'm pretty excited. In the meantime, I need to do what I should have done three months ago when I was given a booklet on how to find a job at graduation and look for recruitment agencies because I've heard it's a good idea and I want to make myself useful and also bloody well make something of my life.
ellieet: (Optimistic Merlin)
Just came back from an awesome night out at a friend's birthday party; had enormous fun and her husband called me a 'party animal.' Was great stuff; my feet ache from all the dancing, but who cares. Yay!
ellieet: (Sherlock's book)
My class isn't until tomorrow afternoon, which is good because I haven't done ANY work today, just sat around watching DVDs and eating Jammie Dodgers in my pyjamas until three. Yeah, I know. I have to write 500 words of prose for tomorrow, but I already know what I'm going to write about, so should be fine. Anyway, early to bed, early to rise.
ellieet: (Sherlock's goggles)
So, the rest of the Sherlock fandom is all up in antipation about tomorrow -

- And I can't sodding join in because I'm still working on my second essay (substitute "working on" for "just starting"). This means no sneaky "last chance before the canon" fic from me; normally I would, if I was in the finishing stages, just for a five minute respite as I've done in the past, but I have 2500 words to write for Monday morning. Not fair #pettybratwhoshouldhavestartedworkearlier. Hopefully, tomorrow night I'll be finished.
ellieet: (Benedict <3)
There's something up with my right leg. I don't know what it is, but it feels a bit weak, and I can't quite stand on it right. On top of that, I'm really tired, and just want to crawl into bed. Not in the 'I'm so depressed' way that I felt before. Maybe it's the tablets, but I just want to get into bed and stay there, and watch The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. But blimey, I feel so much better now, have felt better all day even if I decided to watch a depressing film this morning; the noise has calmed down so much and I'm just taking my time. Maybe I'm just drained as a result, because I feel I need a good rest and want to keep lying down. It's nice though, not to have to lie down as a result of a heaviness inside your own head, rather because you simply need it, need the rest.

Also, for the first time this evening, I felt excited about Christmas. A Chinese and a couple of fics helped.

Norway. :(

Jul. 23rd, 2011 05:38 pm
ellieet: (Being Human: What is this??)
What an absolutely horrible thing to happen. All those teenagers, people's children, cut down in completely awful circumstances.

At the risk of sounding selfish, I want to hide myself in "Going Anywhere" for a while. I just can't fathom what's happened right now, and I really don't want to start thinking about it, why another horrible thing has happened in the world. All I can think right now, is that those people were young, younger than me even, if it was a youth-camp. Just...

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