ellieet: (Sherlock's book)
(First attempt at cross-posting, here we go).

The last two days I have been really anxious and on edge, which is weird because it's been so beautiful and sunny. Today, I got to work and got into a silent state of anxiety very quickly and by the end of the day, my brain had fizzled out. I was able to distract myself and thought maybe I was making too much of a big deal of things but at one point my chest was very tight and uncomfortable. I was very warm by the day's end - my TL put a friendly hand on my arm just before my shift ended and exclaimed at how hot I felt. I think it was partly the heat, partly the anxiety rush. Yesterday, my manager was able to tell in passing that I was very flustered and took me aside later to check I was okay. I've just spent the last 48 hours feeling useless and like a spare part, but I was able to scale it back to a degree and thought happy, creative thoughts instead. I've actually written a fanfiction scene or two and I'm branching out in my poetry; I'm filling my latest notebook with valid contributions, rather than streams of forced rubbish and it feels good. I've been realising that what I've been craving is a sense of purpose and purpose is something I've been without for a long time; nothing to fire me up and get me going. I've been wondering exactly where I fit into the Universe, but - you know. I'm HERE. Isn't that enough? 

I'm not ready for the summer and need a new pair of sandals (of all things!). I went to the park around the corner from me the other day and ended up finishing the seventh Poldark novel, The Angry Tide, which was so gripping I actually found myself exclaiming aloud several times. It's been a while since a book had that kind of effect on me. I'm trying to get on with Emma Donoghue's Room now, but it's hard to go from one genre to the other overnight. Which sounds rather stupid, I know, but whenever I finish a Poldark novel, I want to read the next one immediately and right now, I have zero money to buy the eighth book.

I've also had the nostalgic romp of a lifetime with Red Dwarf, one of the fandoms of my childhood. We've gone from friendly coffee to why don't we have dinner to an impromptu weekend catch-up in one of the hotel rooms to I really miss you, actually, and I miss that cute little thing you do to why did we ever break up and are now at the negotiations stage. (I'm assuming that's how this all works, I've never been in a relationship so IDK). It's been fun and I'm actually kind of disappointed there aren't more episodes for me to watch because I am this close to bringing the entire DVD collection back with me after my next home-visit. I still can't really abide much of Series 7 and 8; the only strong points are the Lister and Rimmer scenes, but I admire the whole cast for, more or less, seeing it to the end of the original run. I've been watching a couple of the new episodes and found myself laughing out loud - the boys have still got it and while I love Chloe Annett, I'm really glad Kochanski is gone.

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ellieet

July 2017

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