hey ho, let's go

Jul. 19th, 2017 10:57 am
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[personal profile] splix
I've had that in my head since I saw Spider-Man, which was probably one of the best superhero movies I've seen in a couple of years. Zippy and fun and charming and not GRIMDARK oh god I'm so tired of grimdark at the moment. I guess it has its place, but it's not for me right now.

*

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I had a really nice weekend. I went out with some friends and saw The Beguiled which I liked - not the best movie I've seen this year but it was pretty and I sometimes really dig Nicole Kidman's chilly remove, and then I went to brunch with my sisters and had a ginormous Belgian waffle. Got a lot of lovely presents also.

Had chemo on the 10th and spent the rest of the week fucking sick. So fucking done with this mentally and emotionally, but only halfway through, unless the CT scan, which is on the 25th, shows that the chemo hasn't been working. So whatever, blah blah.

I spent the entire week alone and curled up in the dark [except for Nina, who is such a wonderful nanny dog, bless her] so when Sunday came and I actually felt well enough to walk around I immediately ran to some thrift stores and blew every penny of my birthday $$, and then went and spent the gift cards that I got. Part of it was just wanting to get out of the house, and I think part of it was some sort of oppositional perversity, a kind of fuck-you to isolation and illness, and then part of it was a kind of reaction to my eating disorder, always present but especially right now unable to indulge because almost everything I eat tastes like metallic garbage. Except ice cream and like cheese and butter, and I know I can't eat a fuckton of that stuff because of course it's the highest in calories, FML. [Vegetables are especially disgusting. I used to look forward to a giant salad every day; I still eat one because nutrients, but I choke it down, ugh] I couldn't eat, so I shopped. :-/

That said, I didn't break the bank [I can't. Chemo bills are a-comin']. I went to the Goodwill 99 cent store and got a couple of pairs of pants because mine are too big right now [I'm keeping the old ones because god knows what my body is going to do in the next couple of months]. I also got a couple of cool vintage dresses for fall. I went to the antique mall on Central and got two vintage handbags, and a tiny sweet navy hat that I'll be able to wear once my hair grows back again. Then I went to another antique store where I know the folks who run it - they were having a half-off sale on their bin costume jewelry, which is usually super-cheap anyway, like a dollar for a pair of earrings, so I got like seven pairs of earrings and four necklaces. Then I went to Sephora and got the Anastasia Modern Renaissance eye palette. OMG it is so beautiful. The textures are so creamy and the pigments are so intense. For the first time evah I watched a couple of tutorials on Youtube to get some pointers on how to combine some of the colors. Then I went to Savers and got a little painted concrete skull and some candles for fall, and a new king-size bottom sheet for my bed.

I'm reading a book called Glamour that is very resonant to me - it talks a lot about how glamour [of all stripes] tempts and feeds [never fully] unfulfilled longing and my particular brand of materialism. Made me laugh, ruefully, and I showed it to my therapist. We discussed a lot of it. She actually thinks I'm over-pathologizing my shopping because I don't spend enough to make a big dent in my finances, but I still feel guilty about spending any money for pleasure on myself, for having lots of pretty things because I grew up with very little, and we were always made to feel like there was never enough money for frivolities. It's complicated; I'm still working through it.

*

I haven't made any progress on my auction story. :-/ I mean, as excuses go I guess I have a good one, but I just want to keep going with it. I hate losing momentum. AAAAAARGGH. Going to make an effort this weekend, but still, RRRRRGHGHGHGHGH.

*

I hope everyone who went to Con*Strict had a great time. I am so sad to have missed it, but I'll be there with bells on next year. :D

*

Summer classes are almost over. Fall semester starts in four weeks. Tempus fugit. o.0

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